Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance."
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels
in France are "Collaborate" and

"Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that
destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of
their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be alright, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to
cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation
level.

Haha, that's brilliant!

Thats cool,

Now what would the Irish standard be.

Insert (relevant) threat here, this could include but is not limited to, snow, rain, floods, frost, bank, political parties, roads, etc. But good god not terrorists, we had enough of them.

Level 1, Ah sure somebody will deal with it.
Level 2, Ah sure it will be grand, it doesn't look that bad.
Level 3, Ah sure it will be grand, I rang Fergus and sure he is a great lad.
Level 4, Fergus, FERGUS, where the fuck is that gobshite, Fergus.
Level 5, Were all fucked and somebody is going to pay the price. But not Fergus he is a grand lad, sure we wouldn't be where we are now if it wasn't for him.

This parody was brought to you by the financial regulator and all other regulatory bodies, on behalf of the people, for the people and in aid of the beleagured banks.

Edit: No Fergus's where harmed during the making of this broadcast, oh and if anybody in the club is called Fergus, you may slap me on next meeting me.

Think you got it pretty much right there